happiness is finding the place where being yourself is exactly what's needed

Monday, March 28, 2011

the psychology of bread mold and those who befriend it

i'm this kind of person:

if something seems a bit off to me, i'll assume that the other people around know better than i do and that it must be that way for a reason.

this leads to me asking questions like "do you realize there's a piece of bread with things growing from it on top of your microwave?"

this causes friends to occasionally give me that "why are you being such a dick?" face.

but, in reality, i was seriously wondering if you needed it for something.

for all i know, it could part of some scientific or artistic project. or perhaps it's a psychology experiment to see who notices and how they react.

the last thing i want is to throw it away and then you walk in 10 minutes later and you're like "oh my god, what happened to my pet bread mold?! Fred, Fred, where are you?!"

anyway, there is a cream cheese container that is partly full of cream cheese and partly full of fridge water drip sitting in the back of the fridge here. it appears about to overflow into the rest of the fridge.

now, i might be a jerk for not getting rid of it, but whatever psychological disorder i have (likely one so weird you can't even find it in the DSM IV) reminds me that i don't know why it's there.

maybe there's a leak in the fridge somewhere and it's very important that that container stays right where it is or the whole house will get flooded.

it's much more likely that the person who lives here just never opens his fridge. afterall, what single person who lives alone ever uses things like refrigerators? i certainly didn't bother with groceries and such when i had my own place.

i'm the one who was like "let's buy some rice milk to put in coffee." so, when i'm fixing my coffee, i notice the little microbe swimming pool, but i always forget to ask about it.

this isn't my house, so what right do i have to interfere with the environment. one small disturbance might disrupt the whole ecosystem.

my only hope is that when the DSM V comes out in 2o13, it will have some answers for me.

for now, just keep in mind that i'm the person who just said i washed my undies in the bathroom sink. when i had my own apartment i threw my the laundry in the bathtub while i showered and then stomped it clean like i was making wine. (this saved me a lot of quarters.)

in other words, if there's ever been a "certain way people do things" i don't know of it. don't take anything i ever say as a criticism. i got a D in Home Ec in middle school, and i'm pretty sure i haven't learned anything since then.

besides that trick where you put vegetable oil in the pan to keep your macaroni and cheese from turning into a macaroni and cheese mush clump.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

making friends

so many questions on meeting a new person. when we look at each other, what do we see?

what parts of me do you notice? what parts of you do i notice?

what needs will we fullfill for each other?

what aspects of myself will you exemplify? what will i exemplify in you?

everything we interact with changes us. sometimes severely. other times ever so slightly.

how will you change me? and is this something i want?

you could make me a "better" or "worse" person. you could turn me "crazy" or "sane."

i could be the troubled girl you never quite understand. or i could be your soul mate. only you know. it's not up to me. you know from the beginning.

you could be my drinking buddy. or someone i write poems about. or someone to go on walks with. someone to teach me things. or someone i talk about to my real friends. someone i humor but always know is an asshole. sometime whose house i crash at just because there's nowhere else to be.

you could be the boy i never quite understand. something i look back upon and sigh. or the dragon-riding warrior who saves me.

and that's the part that only i get to know. the part that i've known from the beginning.

though it's not really a secret. i'll tell you if you ask. that, in itself, is part of the dance.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

brain sperm

i woke up this morning thinking of my thoughts as sperm, and the world they're trying to break into as the egg.

so, when, i got up and realized i had a slight headache, i reasoned that it was from all the brain sperm trying to get out.

which reminded me of a picture a friend drew when his girlfriend got pregnant. the stick figure drawing combined the image of a sperm with the image of a child. so that if you were looking at it at a certain size or from a certain angle, it looked like he'd drawn a sperm, but when you clicked on the thumbnail to see the full size image you realized it was a child.

which reminded me of how i've suspected that were i to procreate in this lifetime (not that i have any intentions of it) my child would probably be one of those awesome people (as described in previous text blog).

i figure that since every generation is usually more open/creative/adventurous than the one before it, the fact that i'm almost awesome likely means i'd have a child that's fully awesome.

however, my years of being excited by the idea of possibly spawning someday have passed.

i do need to find a way from some of these brain sperm to get out, though. break through that thick barrier of the world and impregnate it.

with what i'm not sure.

hopefully not the apocalypse.

or the peacockalypse.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

the natural progression of my thought

thoughts from the busride

"some dance to remember, some dance to forget"

i dance to remember.

it comes from dancing to forget so much it sticks.

and then you don't think "wow, i felt so bad that day." you think "wow, i felt once. i remember what it was like." though the feeling itself is long gone.

- - -

i believe in multiple lives, and i'm almost positive that this is my second to the last one before my soul has learned all it has set out to.

my reasons for believing that include:

* i've met a lot of kindred spirits, like i'm collecting parts of myself. (more later regarding my thoughts on the tapestry of souls.)

* i not only love and respect but find myself studying those people who accomplish amazing things in this life. those people who shine in multiple aspects of what it means to be human. those who touch the lives of others. the ones who have that glow. i think those are last-life souls, those who've experienced the full spectrum of humanity and are reaching out to share what they know with the world. musicians. philosophers. artists.

i study them and try to replicate. perhaps i'm preparing for my next life.

* i see a whole lot of potential in me, like a whole lot of puzzle pieces i just can't seem to put together. i can almost do things just right. like there's a mold for my soul that i almost fit.

- - -

sometimes when i'm standing at a corner, waiting to cross the street, i wonder if people think i'm a prostitute. i've been mistaken as a prostitute before. do i look like a prostitute?

anyone could theoretically be a prostitute, so, when one sees a person on the sidewalk, what signals do they use to determine the status of the person as A. a prostitute or B. not a prostitute?

and what about me would make someone put me in category A?

does it matter what street i'm on? people can live on a hooker street without themselves being hookers.

does my clothing make it obvious that i'm poor, so you assume i'll want money?

is it that i'm a female walking by myself? maybe i had to get some milk and toilet paper from the store.

did you see i was carrying grocery bags and assume those were my possessions?

i just don't know.

i don't know why i look like a prostitute, but i suspect that i do.

this isn't the olden days, after all, where hookers wear "hooker make-up." the economy is bad these days, hookers can't afford make-up.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

because some facebook statuses are worth saving

7/16/10 - i will not google flesh eating bacteria. i will not google flesh eating bacteria. i will NOT google flesh eating bacteria . . .

7/26/10 - i'm in love with life, but so are a lot of people. apparently, life's a whore.

8/5/10 - i think my body is addicted to sleep. and the addiction is interfering with its daily activities. i think it's time to quit cold turkey.

8/15/10 - even when i'm too drunk to know how to sit down in a chair, i can still pick things up with my feet

8/31/10 - i was looking in the mirror, but my reflection was asleep. "maybe this means i'm asleep in real life and this is a dream," i thought. but i dismissed that idea, as it seemed illogical. i focused instead on trying to wake up my reflection by splashing water on my face.
(then i woke up.)

9/30/10 - what a beautiful day to have woken up from a dream of helping a bull rescue its rider from a traveling circus

10/11/10 - i said "i need you. i long for you. i'm ready now. only you can complete me." sleep said "go fuck yourself."

10/20/10 - you know you've been on a plane too long when you see a crack in the sidewalk and wonder if it's the grand canyon

11/17/10 - it's unfortunate that arsenic tastes like almonds, as the flavor's quite addictive and there appears to be an almond shortage

12/16/10 - if you thought my putting peanut butter and salsa verde on chips was weird, you should have salsa verde chips mashed up in a bowl with salsa con queso and hazelnut coffee creamer

12/18/10 - it's okay, the song can wake up my soul without waking up the other train passengers

1/2/11 - so many words of inspiration i write down and then keep for myself, hidden, hoping i'll rediscover them again at a time when i understand, recording my own realizations like i have short term memory loss, trying to maintain control of myself in this game of shadow dancing we call life

1/4/11 - we all come with reality pre-installed ; it's just that some of us have missed a few updates

1/14/11 - i can't remember the last time i couldn't remember something

1/14/11 - sanity under construction, please use alternate route

1/24/11 - be your own valentine? remember your first crush? fuck you, dove chocolate wrappers, fuck you.

1/30/11 - people have always tended to give me respect i didn't earn, but it's been years since i stopped correcting them

1/31/11 - where the hell was i going with this analogy, and why are there dead pigeons?

2/15/11 - breakfast with gmail:
it looks over at me and shakes its head, and says "you said 'i've attached...' but there's nothing attached. they're going to think you're a retard, just like all your friends do. i'm the only one you can trust, you know. the others don't like you, they told me."

2/28/11 - so Cadie (who has an interest in bandaids) just came up and put one on my shoulder and said "this is for you." then, she put one over my Mishipeshu tattoo and said "and this is for your doggie" ^_^