happiness is finding the place where being yourself is exactly what's needed

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Powwow Highway

I just saw another movie that made my heart sing and leap and cry and dance: Powwow Highway. The description doesn't really do it justice, and in some places I've found the review/description to be just plain off.

Now, it's true I've always tended to take things my own way, regardless of what I am told.

We all do that to an extent, right? At least in certain aspects of our lives. And that's part of what makes the main character of this film, Philbert, so easy to relate to.

He has strength in his beliefs, in his spiritual quest to become a warrior, from the very beginning of the story when he chooses his "pony."

He's a "big lovable" character that doesn't fall into the common movie cliche of being a bumbling fool. A dreamer, yes, and one the audience is sure to fall in love with. At least, I did. I can't think of a time, when watching a movie, that I have appreciated a character so much.

All the little things he things of along the way, all the signs and events that lead him on his quest, made me feel like I was bubbling over with glee.

It's possible that I see more of myself in this character than I ever have in a character before, because I go through long stretches of my life where it seems like I'm doing exactly what he was in the movie. Seeking visions, finding signs, collecting "medicine", following my spirit guide, whoever that may be.

If you are a human being and have never gone on this kind of journey with yourself, I urge you to do so.

And if you're looking for a funny/adorable/intriguing film to watch this weekend, give this one a try. ^_^

- - - - a small spoiler to follow - - - -

my favorite part is where he left his candy bar as an offering on the mountain. that is the cutest f*ck*ng thing i have ever f*ck*ng seen in my entire f*ck*ng life.
(and is exactly like something i would do.)

Monday, April 18, 2011

awaken your true spirit for $19.95

(reposted from spring 2010)

it's nice to know we can buy enlightenment. it comes in the form of candles, incense, and relaxation cds made by other people. because other people know so much better which physical objects on this physical plane can connect us best to the spirit world and/or our inner selves.

all you need is a book written by someone who's much more enlightened than you and the fragrance most associated with what you're trying accomplish.

because the spirit world, apparently, has physical bounderies.

so go to your church, because you can't show god your appreciation in the forest. take your communion wafer, because god's in a cracker, not you.

or light a special candle, so the spirits you wish to communicate with won't be annoyed with your questions.

and ask the tarot cards what to do, because the answers you seek about your own life really have nothing to do with you.

yes, that's right, put all your faith in other people and what they can sell you. because your concept of reality is bound to be flawed. after all, you're only human . . .

Sunday, April 10, 2011

imperfect consumer

i don't want your blender with 200 settings. i don't want your precious gems for my hair. i don't want the super bouncy magic weight loss weight that will give me fantasy abs in minutes as i absorb more advertisements. i don't want your sheets that feel like clouds or your lightning-fast super-safe sex-magnet car.

i don't care how that shirt will bring out my eyes and slim my waist. i don't give a flying fuck about little daisy stickers to decorate my pistol.

i don't want the chairs to match each other. i don't want to furnish/decorate/perfect anything. not my residence. not my self.

if i don't have it, and if i'm not seeking it, i probably don't need or want it. you have nothing to show me that i'll think is fabulous. you cannot appeal to my tastes, so don't try.

my tastes are not something you could begin to understand.

i'm not spending a cent i might have on anti-wrinkle cream, the world's greatest vacuum cleaner, and pre-designed scrapbook pages.

i dreamed i was told to make a collage on a wall, but all the pieces were already there, scattered all over the wall where all i had to do was rearrange them. i didn't get to find them myself, to pick them out myself.

the creative world had become like a tourist venue, others who got there first telling me what i should get out of it.

like the vendors and salesmen with the audacity to try to tell me what i need.

what I need!

you don't know what i need. i need next to nothing.

you can't make me feel pretty. you can't make me happy. you can't make my life easy. you can't make me smart. you can't make me strong.

only i can do those things.

you think i want everything done already for me. you think i want you to tell me how to make my life rich/meaningful/interesting.

you think if someone else has something, i'll want it to.

you think i desire such trivial things.

your perception of me disgusts me.

were you a person, i would disown you. were you an object, i would discard you. recycle you into something better, more useful.

but you're an abstract concept. you're the stereotype of people in my country. brought about by desires we never learned to fulfill on our own, desires created long ago, which may once have had honest roots but have grown out of control, into a monster.

we're taught to need things we don't. and no-one knows who teaches us these things. like creatures lost in the dark, children who don't realize their world is an attic.

we seek but we do not find. we do everything we think we're supposed to and remain unfilled, wondering why, seeking ever more and more.

and we say we want to conserve resources. recycling is good, yes. alternative fuels, great.

but here's something i realized long ago:

if we want to keep having a world to live in, why don't we stop producing and buying so much useless shit?

- - -

dear seekers,

you don't need that cover-up for your face. if you want to get rid of your money so badly, buy a sandwich for a homeless person.

why in the HELL would you want to cover up your face?

you're beautiful as you are.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

half a yin yang

I've told this story time and time again, as it's pretty much the best story I've ever had to tell.

In November of 2009, I was visiting DandelionGirl in Chandler, AZ. One morning, while on my way to Circle K for a cup of Circle Koffee, and taking the ditch, as it was just slightly quicker than taking the sidewalk, I head mewing coming from the bottom of a manhole.

I couldn't actually see anything down there, but I saw a few drains in the ditch that I suspected a cat might have gone into, so it was reasonable to assume one was trapped.

I went back to the house and called random animal control/rescue numbers until someone picked up and gave me the number to the local police, saying that they were the only ones who could get those manhole covers off.

A policeman showed up and shined his flashlight down into the hole, illuminating the shape of a fluffy white cat, though it was difficult for me to discern the size of the cat without knowing the depth of the hole.

A policewoman showed up to help, an animal lover interested in helping to rescue a kitten. They were able to find the right tools to get the cover off, but they didn't have a ladder handy, so they called the fire department.

When the fire department showed up, there were about 8 more people, as they were currently doing some kind of internship with students.

So, the scene at this point is two police cars and a fire truck pulled over next to the ditch, and 11 or so people standing crowded around a manhole. All so one guy could take a ladder down the hole and come back up with this:

The fireman handed him to me, all scared and sick. One of his was eyes glued shut with eye gunk, an obvious sign of an untreated kitten cold. The policewoman was kind enough to drive us to the nearest vet for a check up and some medicine.

The photo above is of him sitting on his paperwork from the doctor's office.

No idea how he got down there. He might have even been born somewhere in the drain system and then wandered off on his own one day and found himself stuck. However it happened, there were a lot of humans around to help him get out.

Now, he's all grown up. His name is Yang, and he lives down the road with DandelionGirl, NumberK, and black cat named Yin.

Monday, April 4, 2011

"i deserve this"

why is it that when we feel we're struggling somehow - financially or emotionally or socially, or whatever - we always think there's some reason for it, there's something to be learned from it? an important life lesson that we must have needed?

well, because there is, right? we learn, and we learn quickly, and we feel stronger for it.

but then, why, when something hurts us, do we often think "i deserve this?"

is it because we were raised to believe there is a Hell and that the way out of hell is repentance?
are we like the guy in the video below, who thinks saying "i deserve this" will somehow save him?

now, what about those good moments? those moments where we feel truly alive and ourselves and comfortable and, perhaps, even blissful? we appreciate them. we're happy for them. we internalize them. we want to never let them go.

we thank whatever deities in which we believe for times like those. the sunlight after the rain. a shoulder to cry on. a good cup of coffee. a new friend's smile. the purring of a kitten.

we learn from these moments, too, in different ways. these are the times we learn what we love, what we'd fight for.

but do we ever think "i deserve this"?

do we fear that by admitting to ourselves that we deserve something good, we'll lose it? that whatever beauty we've found will be taken from us for not being humble enough?

this isn't one of those things that's just me, right?

sometimes. when i've had a bit to drink. i will say to myself. i am a good person. i deserve to be happy. because at those times, i am looking at myself through another perspective. one of no inhibition. looking at myself the way i would look at another. someone i'd just met.

we're shown so much bullshit. so many ways to judge. and it's so much easier to be lenient with others than ourselves. the safest bet seems to hold ourselves to the highest standard.

the standard of saying "i deserve this" when something goes wrong and "i'm so lucky" when something goes right.

(perhaps a blog on Locus of Control will come later, once i've started my branching.)

why the words "i deserve this" usually make me laugh:

also, due to the fact that i like to post a lot, i'm considering branching out with this blog the way i did with my other account. so, consider this part the trunk of a tree. now that i have an idea of what this tree trunk is/has been/will be made of, i'll start working on dividing into branches.

just seems easier than keeping track of what i've said here by labels, when you're like me and blog once or twice a week with an average of three or four posts at a time.

i'll keep ya posted. i'll make some branches and put up links to them. then, you can decide what bullcrap of mine you want to be informed of and what you wish i'd just put through the paper shredder and be done with.