happiness is finding the place where being yourself is exactly what's needed

Monday, April 4, 2011

"i deserve this"

why is it that when we feel we're struggling somehow - financially or emotionally or socially, or whatever - we always think there's some reason for it, there's something to be learned from it? an important life lesson that we must have needed?

well, because there is, right? we learn, and we learn quickly, and we feel stronger for it.

but then, why, when something hurts us, do we often think "i deserve this?"

is it because we were raised to believe there is a Hell and that the way out of hell is repentance?
are we like the guy in the video below, who thinks saying "i deserve this" will somehow save him?

now, what about those good moments? those moments where we feel truly alive and ourselves and comfortable and, perhaps, even blissful? we appreciate them. we're happy for them. we internalize them. we want to never let them go.

we thank whatever deities in which we believe for times like those. the sunlight after the rain. a shoulder to cry on. a good cup of coffee. a new friend's smile. the purring of a kitten.

we learn from these moments, too, in different ways. these are the times we learn what we love, what we'd fight for.

but do we ever think "i deserve this"?

do we fear that by admitting to ourselves that we deserve something good, we'll lose it? that whatever beauty we've found will be taken from us for not being humble enough?

this isn't one of those things that's just me, right?

sometimes. when i've had a bit to drink. i will say to myself. i am a good person. i deserve to be happy. because at those times, i am looking at myself through another perspective. one of no inhibition. looking at myself the way i would look at another. someone i'd just met.

we're shown so much bullshit. so many ways to judge. and it's so much easier to be lenient with others than ourselves. the safest bet seems to hold ourselves to the highest standard.

the standard of saying "i deserve this" when something goes wrong and "i'm so lucky" when something goes right.

(perhaps a blog on Locus of Control will come later, once i've started my branching.)

why the words "i deserve this" usually make me laugh:

also, due to the fact that i like to post a lot, i'm considering branching out with this blog the way i did with my other account. so, consider this part the trunk of a tree. now that i have an idea of what this tree trunk is/has been/will be made of, i'll start working on dividing into branches.

just seems easier than keeping track of what i've said here by labels, when you're like me and blog once or twice a week with an average of three or four posts at a time.

i'll keep ya posted. i'll make some branches and put up links to them. then, you can decide what bullcrap of mine you want to be informed of and what you wish i'd just put through the paper shredder and be done with.


  1. You have to do whatever you have to do. I had a couple blogs when I started but it became too much for me so I combined them. But that's not to say it wouldn't work for you.

  2. That is so true! I give others way more credit and leeway than I give to myself. I never think about how much I deserve the good things, but I will try from now on. Thank you!

  3. BTW, I just realized today that Lovkyne = Vencora. Thought you were two different bloggers. I'm slow. Sorry.