happiness is finding the place where being yourself is exactly what's needed

Thursday, May 26, 2011

once the fever breaks

i've spent the last few minutes thinking about:

how there seems to be a correlation between oddly stressful things happening to me (i.e. accidentally setting a curtain on fire or losing some important belonging), remembering seeing/feeling the presence of a phantom beforehand (i.e. in the shadows or out of the corner of my eye), and there being some reason my senses were not focused (i.e. painkillers or fever).

a fever-like mental state leading to mild hallucinations as well as stupidity? perhaps.

or maybe it's that when i'm not in a fully present-focused state of mind i'm more aware of the types of spirits who might distract/trick/warn me.

and when i'm feeling like i was yesterday (fevered and nearly immobile) or today (more mobile but fairly exhausted), i notice i have little care for "human games."

what i mean by that is all the running around we have to do for paperwork and the like. how things like numbers with no tangible meaning are used by others to judge us. social security numbers to tell where we belong. credit scores to tell what we're worth. the concept of money.

if i want to believe that phantoms come along to either trick or warn me when something strange is about to happen, how's that any crazier than saying a piece of paper with a bunch of 5's printed on it contains the value of a day's meal.

but hell, money is starting to become obsolete. it's all electronic now. our system of trade is moving more and more into the invisible/nonexistent.

when are we going to start paying attention to things that exist again?

if i'm tempted to believe that my life is a replay of lives i've lived before and that there's some important truth i'm trying to use this life to learn, how's that any crazier than purchasing goods with imaginary numbers?

for unemployed months now, i've been alternately hating myself for being a failure and shaking my head at the society in which our willingness to do hard work has less to do with getting a job than our credit scores, our willingness to exaggerate the truth (lie) to get something, and the prices of our clothing.

sometimes i'm just tired of pretending i believe in all this bullshit. the concept of money. of time. of distance.

and i can't even begin to unravel the psychotic spider's web of tangled and conflicting values that holds our society together.

*gasp* oh no, i said the "s" word. society. somehow it's been ingrained in my mind that any time a person says that word, they're probably just some random crazy who can't take responsibility for their own problems and decides, instead, to blame the masses.

but really i just don't understand. i never properly learned "how the world works," probably because i've always had a tendency to ignore lessons that seemed useless, boring, or idiotic. but it caught up with me, you see. for the last 6 months i've found myself incapable of getting a job.

or rather, the lady at the grocery store on tuesday said she'd probably hire me if i came with with a proper CA license the next day. so, yesterday, i put my birth certificate and social security card (which i always keep carefully filed away, like a good citizen) in my purse and headed down to the DMV.

somewhere between my house and the DMV, this envelope magically disappeared from my purse. either it fell out when i bought a cup of coffee and my fever made me not notice, or it's disappearance had something to do with the person i caught out of the corner of my eye and felt the definite presence of, who seemed to be suddenly following me way too close, until i swung around and saw there was no-one there.

rural area. wide open space. no-one on the sidewalk but me. yet i'd seen something, and it felt like a person.

anyway, just like with the shadow person i saw as i rolled over in my sleep the night i caught the curtain on fire, the presence felt didn't feel in any way malicious. whether it was there to warn me or play a trick on me or just watch me, i wasn't able to conclude.

anyway, the 5htp i'm taking again kept me from having an anxiety attack when i realized the envelope was gone, thank all the gods. and, after i made the proper phone calls one makes when one loses such important documents, i spent the rest of the day in an achy fever-daze without a care for any of this imaginary shit.

and by "this imaginary shit" i mean numbers and pieces of paper that are supposed to represent our identities.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

questions i ask myself from time to time


where do i draw the line between selfishness and kindness?

my passion in life is helping people, but if i buy myself a lunch at the coffee shop, i'm using enough money on my own personal comfort to feed someone for a week.

i could say that i'm helping support the business of the worker-owned coffee shop i adore and the lovely people who work there.

i could say that such luxuries are little bits of personal motivation to keep me doing whatever it is i'm hoping to do in this life.

we all draw the line somewhere different, and some people never take the time to draw it at all, because our only real responsibilities are to ourselves.

caring for others will never be a responsibility, but most of us just do it anyway. because we have varying degress of generosity required for our own personal fullfillment.

so, in a sense, every action is a selfish one. if more of us found personal fullfillment in helping others, there'd be enough of everything to go around that we could all have a nice bit of personal comfort.

i don't mean to sound like a socialist. i don't want the government to be in charge of people being human. part of human nature is rebelling against authority. i stay completely out of politics for this reason. there will always be arguments about what to do, what rights people should have, and differing of opinions based on so many personal and group feelings about how we should live. and in most matters, it's difficult to tell if there's a right or wrong side and, if so, which one's which.

i just wish we could find a way for people not to be so afraid anymore.

the health care bill is a good example. all sorts of people wanted it to pass, and all sorts hated the idea. there are very rich people afraid of losing the money they wanted to buy that fourth mansion. there are very rich people who would gladly give up some of their conveniences for a better world. but most of us aren't rich.

most of the people i've talked to were very against the health care bill. and it's not because they're rich or selfish. it's because they're lower to middle class people who know that any changes we might make will effect them the most. it's people who want to make sure they can pay the bills and continue having roofs over their heads and the ability to keep themselves and their families fed.

of course they don't want even more money taken out of their paychecks. why should we pay for health care? we're used to living without health care and would rather continue to do so than pay for it, hence the reason we're not using it now. we make a certain amount and get used to supporting ourselves on that amount, and we haven't seen a doctor in years.

yes, it would be nice to know i could go to the doctor if i really needed to. but, in the meantime, am i going to be able to live somewhere, or will i be living on the streets because i don't get enough money from my paycheck to survive?

i'm not for or against any particular forms of taxation changes may imply. like i said, i stay out of politics. because it's so difficult to guess what will be best for our society as a whole in the long run.

this is why i have to work with people on a more individual level. i have no illusions of making any kind of huge differences in the world, but if i can help a few people here and there i'll feel like my life has purpose.

the staring into space hour

i'd write a blog about it, but all i feel like doing right now is staring into space.

on second thought, what do people mean when they say "staring off into space"?

i've always assumed it meant just staring off into any open space, even if it's the four feet of space between you and the wall.

they don't mean like "outer space" do they?

though really, if the space we're staring into is outside of our own minds, i guess it could be considered "outer" space.

but even if they do mean outer space, like the place with stars and shit, i guess the phrase still makes sense, because even if you're staring at a wall, what you're really paying attention to is some indetermined point in the cosmos, so it might as well be outer space.

and if all time and space coexist, then it really doesn't matter where you're looking, you're still seeing everything at any given moment.

but, on a side note, if the indetermined point in the cosmos that we're really paying attention to is inside our minds, does that mean we're not staring into "outer" space, but into "inner" space (not like the movie)? afterall, the objects our eyes are taking in have nothing to do with what's actually going on up in the old neurotransmitter highway.

but, if all time and space coexist, that includes the space inside our minds, anyway, right?

or does it?

it depends on your philosophy, i guess. whether your school of thought is one which believes the intangible exists with the same value (or at least measurable by the same values) as the tangible.