happiness is finding the place where being yourself is exactly what's needed

Thursday, May 26, 2011

once the fever breaks

i've spent the last few minutes thinking about:

how there seems to be a correlation between oddly stressful things happening to me (i.e. accidentally setting a curtain on fire or losing some important belonging), remembering seeing/feeling the presence of a phantom beforehand (i.e. in the shadows or out of the corner of my eye), and there being some reason my senses were not focused (i.e. painkillers or fever).

a fever-like mental state leading to mild hallucinations as well as stupidity? perhaps.

or maybe it's that when i'm not in a fully present-focused state of mind i'm more aware of the types of spirits who might distract/trick/warn me.

and when i'm feeling like i was yesterday (fevered and nearly immobile) or today (more mobile but fairly exhausted), i notice i have little care for "human games."

what i mean by that is all the running around we have to do for paperwork and the like. how things like numbers with no tangible meaning are used by others to judge us. social security numbers to tell where we belong. credit scores to tell what we're worth. the concept of money.

if i want to believe that phantoms come along to either trick or warn me when something strange is about to happen, how's that any crazier than saying a piece of paper with a bunch of 5's printed on it contains the value of a day's meal.

but hell, money is starting to become obsolete. it's all electronic now. our system of trade is moving more and more into the invisible/nonexistent.

when are we going to start paying attention to things that exist again?

if i'm tempted to believe that my life is a replay of lives i've lived before and that there's some important truth i'm trying to use this life to learn, how's that any crazier than purchasing goods with imaginary numbers?

for unemployed months now, i've been alternately hating myself for being a failure and shaking my head at the society in which our willingness to do hard work has less to do with getting a job than our credit scores, our willingness to exaggerate the truth (lie) to get something, and the prices of our clothing.

sometimes i'm just tired of pretending i believe in all this bullshit. the concept of money. of time. of distance.

and i can't even begin to unravel the psychotic spider's web of tangled and conflicting values that holds our society together.

*gasp* oh no, i said the "s" word. society. somehow it's been ingrained in my mind that any time a person says that word, they're probably just some random crazy who can't take responsibility for their own problems and decides, instead, to blame the masses.

but really i just don't understand. i never properly learned "how the world works," probably because i've always had a tendency to ignore lessons that seemed useless, boring, or idiotic. but it caught up with me, you see. for the last 6 months i've found myself incapable of getting a job.

or rather, the lady at the grocery store on tuesday said she'd probably hire me if i came with with a proper CA license the next day. so, yesterday, i put my birth certificate and social security card (which i always keep carefully filed away, like a good citizen) in my purse and headed down to the DMV.

somewhere between my house and the DMV, this envelope magically disappeared from my purse. either it fell out when i bought a cup of coffee and my fever made me not notice, or it's disappearance had something to do with the person i caught out of the corner of my eye and felt the definite presence of, who seemed to be suddenly following me way too close, until i swung around and saw there was no-one there.

rural area. wide open space. no-one on the sidewalk but me. yet i'd seen something, and it felt like a person.

anyway, just like with the shadow person i saw as i rolled over in my sleep the night i caught the curtain on fire, the presence felt didn't feel in any way malicious. whether it was there to warn me or play a trick on me or just watch me, i wasn't able to conclude.

anyway, the 5htp i'm taking again kept me from having an anxiety attack when i realized the envelope was gone, thank all the gods. and, after i made the proper phone calls one makes when one loses such important documents, i spent the rest of the day in an achy fever-daze without a care for any of this imaginary shit.

and by "this imaginary shit" i mean numbers and pieces of paper that are supposed to represent our identities.

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