the world used to seem so large and full of wonder. i'd walk around like a wide-eyed child, seeing so much everywhere i looked. i'd have trouble choosing between soaps for the bathroom, because i wondered what each would say about my personality. i wanted to make sure i was drawing the right energy. i'd look at each and envision the kind of person who might buy them, envision their whole lives and pick the one i most wanted to identify with at the moment.
stuff like that.
but as we learn and grow, we realize that every individual personality is a combination of choices. every choice is more immensely complicated than another person could possibly imagine.
so, let's take that a level more inward.
i set myself up for the kind of evening i want to have by envisioning a scene that fits more current mood and/or what feelings i want to have/work with later. then i look around for the props.
it's like when children see something they want and then have difficulty reconciling with themselves why they can't have it. it's because when they look at something, a whole world builds up around it.
so, most people probably have that type of wonder beaten out of them by the time they're 3. i, however, was always a very introspective and sneaky child. i was able to hide it until almost 30, when thoughts like this started breaking through into my conversations.
the things i look for. why i look for them. the things i hope to create.
i woke up this morning with a new sense of sadness. it was the sadness of knowing i would never look into the world again with such wonder and naivety.
but as i thought it over, thought about the ways i used to think, i realize the world was so much smaller to me, then.
in a way it seemed bigger. the world was huge and i was small, wandering through it unnoticed.
looking back, i realize the world was smaller. or, at least, i was perceiving much less of it.
the sense of wonder has only vanished because my mind has realized all is wonder. there's nothing particularly less worth wondering about than anything else. my mind is more open, and the only thing i'm missing out on is the ability to dwell.
and yet i no longer feel small in comparison to the world. i'm an equal piece to any other piece, and the world is not only one great thing, but a collection of pieces, of which i am one. it'll never be the world against me. i'm part of it.