happiness is finding the place where being yourself is exactly what's needed

Wednesday, July 31, 2013

but i never played never have i ever

every day when i check my email and facebook, i have the feeling like there's somewhere else i'm supposed to go (on the internet) or something else i'm supposed to say (on facebook). i'm not sure what the deep recesses of my brain could think i'm forgetting (maybe blogger?), but it always seems like i'm leaving something out. something important.

i seldom have this sensation anymore outside the internet, but i used to get it all the time, especially in my younger years of not legally being an adult, lacking transportation, etc. i always felt like there was somewhere else i needed to be. something i really really should be doing.

something that would make sense to me, make me feel useful, fullfilled, or whatever. the feeling that led up to years of me believing "happiness is finding the place where being yourself is exactly what's needed."

i can understand the human longing to live a life with purpose. that this longing can come along with natural feelings of "am i in the best place for me? am i doing the best things i could be?"

but why has all this focus, in my case, become directed at the internet?

perhaps it's just that our computers are like tiny little windows into a huge and vast world that reaches far beyond our own travels and understandings. it's like looking out car windows as a kid. i don't know what's out there, but i want to be a part of it all.

or maybe it's that i'm so used to moving around and using laptops as the main way i talk to the people i care about, that this little window has become more real to me that what's actually around me. perhaps i'm one of the hive, afterall. it's true that i can find my socks without my smart phone (something i doubt future generations will develop the skills to do), but i seem to still be lacking in a sense of presence in my environment.

i dreamed last night i had contracted one of the first cases of some apocalyptic flu (like in the BBC show Survivors). this combined with my usual feeling of "what is it i'm not doing right now?" and made me think of the movie trope where when people are dying, they say things like "but i never . . . (saw paris/told marsha i loved her/ate pork'n'beans/etc)".

so, that's what i'm asking myself today. were i to suddenly realize i had only days/hours/moments left to live, what's the thing i haven't done in this life that would make me surprised to see it end? what's the thing that i wouldn't feel i'd lived a complete life without having done? what's my "but i never . . ."?



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